Oh Jean Claude. The mullet. The gold hoop in your ear. The lingering glamor shot on each serving as an introduction both to your character and to the year (1993). I can tell already that you are strong, yet sensitive. You are the type of man who must right any wrong done to the hot but approachable women of this world. Luckily evil is easy to spot, with its moody staring and unplaceable accent. Your slow motion roundhouse kicks make me wish there were no guns in this movie at all, though with their hilariously pyrotechnic bullets I suppose they can stay. When you do kick people in the face it is glorious, with your mullet whipping around behind you like a greasy counterbalance. Forgive me if I wondered at first why your pants were pulled up so high – I did not realize how necessary it was for your sweet moves. And in case the removal of your jacket wasn’t enough to let us know it’s about to get serious, doves alight from their perches to flutter in slow motion towards the nearest glaring light source (it is a John Woo movie after all). Hastily introduced characters soon die, none more poetically than the one you set a trap for by biting the rattle o
ff a snake and putting it in a tree. You were raised in the bayou after all – I thought that was just added to the script to explain your accent but no, it is so much more than that.
My only complaint is that you didn’t show your arms until the final scene and even then you did not wrap the girl (did she have a name?) up in their bulging goodness for a kiss after the massacre was complete.
Tonight – Timecop!