** This post was written as an assignment for my Digital Journalism class through UCSD Extension.
I like the format of Margaret’s piece, with the date first and ending with “stay connected” links. This way that info doesn’t get woven into sentences, which can be awkward for both the writer and reader. She covered the five Ws right away in the first 2 sentences, but without making it seem dry or like she was listing them off in order.
The hook could have been stronger, maybe shifting a sentence from the later descriptive paragraph. Tacos would have made a strong enough hook for me.
It added depth that the quotes from two different people gave insight from both someone who purposefully went to the event and someone who just happened upon it. I would have liked the interviewee’s names to come right after the first sentence of their respective quotes. After one sentence, I’m thinking “who is this, why do I care?” which distracts me from finishing their quote without scanning down the page.
Margaret broke up the paragraph order, which made it easy for me to keep reading. Lead, info, quote, description, quote, description, closing info.
In the last sentence, I think it would have been more engaging to say “Members of the regional club…” so that it was people-based. As a reader, I care about the people, not the club itself. Perhaps this would have been a good spot for another quote from Claudia Lee, talking about coming to another event, rather than just stating she was planning to after her earlier quote.
On a personal note, if she had been writing this story on their behalf the job was well done – I am a local UCSD alumni and followed the link to like them on Facebook!
Read the story on Margaret’s blog: